Small girl BLOG #4

Tomorrow marks my last day in Madrid. The feeling is truly bittersweet. I’m excited to go back home and I’m sad this chapter has come to an end. To say I am grateful to have lived this experience is an understatement. Study abroad has been one of the most memorable times of my life. I always laughed at the meme “study abroad changed my life” because it seemed so silly to me that living in a different city for four months could have such an effect on a person. But it can, and it does. I didn’t think it was possible to change and grow in the ways I have. I didn’t think it was possible to uproot my life to a new city and adapt so quickly. I didn’t think time would go by so fast and I really didn’t think I’d feel so bittersweet about my departure.

I hate the unknown because it is a cause of anxiety for me. I used to get anxious about school, traveling, excessive spending, lack of time, and some other things. By developing a healthy practice around mindfulness, I’ve gotten my anxiety under control around these topics. The concept of change still makes me uneasy. I hate not knowing what the future holds, and I hate when life has too many moving parts. I am a control freak around anything that has to do with me. I was both anxious and excited before moving to Madrid, but the excitement took precedence over the anxiety; there was so much to look forward to. Once I finally established my life in Madrid, everything became routine-like. I interned, went to class, worked out, and traveled on the weekends. I was doing everything I love to do all the time. Ultimately, I think that’s why I loved living in Madrid so much. Not once did I feel like I was doing things out of obligation or pressure. Everything I did served my highest self. Now that it’s all coming to an end, I’M NERVOUS!!!!

I don’t know what my life will be like when I get back to NYC. Will I do the same things I did last semester? Will my newfound Madrid habits incorporate well into my life? Will my friendships feel the same? Will my living situation come together? So much unknown. When I really think about these things, the things that are making me anxious, I have to keep reminding myself that it is all out of my control. It’s kind of wasted energy questioning these components of my life when everything will fall into place. Eventually, I will feel the same sense of stability I did in Madrid. I always end up getting it together. I’ll just miss the life I have right now, and that’s ok.

Madrid, you have been so good to me. I didn’t think it was possible to find another home until I came here. You allowed me to meet new people, see new things, and grow my perspective of the Spanish culture. You became the city where I got to live with my cousins for the first time. You provided an opportunity to practice my native language and grow into my Latina self. You forced me to wake up, eat, and stay up later. You reminded me that there’s life outside of my New York City bubble. You made me feel better about constant change, and for that, I will be forever grateful. The time I have spent in Madrid has been priceless. I blog about these feelings because I never want to forget them.